Mom & Jesus poem

 29 August 2021

As a child waking up, I'd sneak out into the living room, and if I was early enough, I'd see my Mother kneeling down at the couch and audibly praying. She prayed for her family's health and safety and prayed for the hand of God to be manifest in our lives. My understanding of Jesus Christ and Atonement is because of my Mother's faith.

In my faith tradition, eternal salvation is linked to the family. Husbands and wives and children will inherit heaven together. This is a beautiful doctrine, I love it, and it's emphasized all the time at church. I've attended a few Q&As with church leaders and someone always asks a question about "how do I deal with family members leaving the church." Obviously this causes anxiety in devout parents. It's a threat to your eternal life if your children reject the church. When your existence is defined by your faith and family, it's got to hurt when your family rejects your faith. There's all those letters in the advice column in the reader's digest, people trying to cope with their children never calling or writing or visiting. It breaks my heart, honestly. 

I know of quite a few people who harbor anger towards the church. They categorize the church as abusive, manipulative, hypocritical and feel like they were robbed of happiness by being born and raised in that environment. (Honestly that assessment is fair and grounded in reality) This has got to make the parents hurt even more. The children, in a roundabout way, are accusing their parents of subjecting them to abuse. But that wasn't the parent's intention at all. They just wanted to have eternal joy with their family. What a lot of pressure on the child to stay faithful, it would hurt their dear mother so much if they left. This just causes the mutual anger to grow. Both the child and the parents are getting angry only because they love each other. 

I don't know whose responsibility it is to extend the olive branch, but there has to be forgiveness. Whether the family shares joy now or in the afterlife, there has to be peacemaking sometime. And I'm sorry so many people are hurt. We need to see other's intentions, and judge them based on their heart. We're all dealing with God's silence, we're all grappling with aging and dying, we're all striving for happiness and togetherness, we're all feeling a mix of emotions. Our parents are children themselves too. Let's all try to give each other grace.

I wrote a poem a few days ago and I'd like to share it here. I would like to talk about this in more definitive terms, but sometimes making art is the best way to communicate these ideas.

Giving grace to people that don't deserve grace

The swine that trample the pearls

The Israelites that make idols 

The woman taken in adultery 

Pontius Pilate and Judas Iscariot

Me

I need grace, but I do not deserve it. 

And it's easy to think about other people's sins.

Not so easy to think about my own.

One of those drops of blood was because of me.

I heralded with palm leaves his entrance into my life

And I shouted "crucify him!" a few days later.

Christ, tell me I'm clean. I feel so guilty.

Jesus is still in Gethsemane and he's praying.

And he's begging me to not sin.

The God of heaven and earth, in pain. 

Begging for mercy.

My mother sang lullabies to a child,

Eventually, the child reviled her.

I took her prayers and dashed them into the cold ground

It's weird to think she has sins too, when I think she's perfect.

I am that child and I am that mother.

Both, at once, 

my whole life, all my changes, and my soul, 

all together held in God's hand.

All the sinners, in His hands. 

We're running around in chaos.

Every once in a while, we bump into each other. 

Every once in a while, you bump into a prophet who talks to God.

And you hold on.

You feel that grace

I do feel my Mother's prayers.