Postmodern Pastoral

 16 August 2022 I don't like dogs. Dogs are ew. A lot of people think this is crazy. We co-evolved with dogs and they're cute, I should like pet dogs. I've been asked "why not?" many times and I'm like, I just said I don't like them, do you really wanna have this conversation. I could make up excuses like "it's not a healthy emotional bond, it's not a therapist"  "they're too much work for not enough reward"  "why does your dog get to live but all the cows and chickens die for your dinner?"  "Plants and fruit trees are better"  "you're projecting your feelings onto it which is unfair to the dog"  "you yell at the dog all the time and are it's only source of food and shelter, you have an abusive relationship with it" All of which are objectively true statements, but the real reason I don't like dogs is because I don't like dogs. I just don't.  The other problem is a...

 29 June 2022 I want to give my soul to some higher purpose or relationship. I've decided to be dedicated to my water bottle. I was driving from Portland to Salt Lake City, and left it at a gas station. I couldn't let it go, so I turned around and drove an extra hour and a half just for it. But it wasn't at the gas station, I tore my car apart looking for it but sadly, it was literally lost. I felt so guilty. I couldn't even be dedicated to something physical that I depend on everyday.  36 hours later I stumbled upon it, after I made my peace with never seeing it again. I entertained the idea of divine intervention. Like, a blessing from the Creator of heaven and earth, returning my water bottle to me. I need water to live after all, God might care about that. I know my thoughts and feelings had nothing to do with finding that water bottle though. It was just in a place I failed to look. My feelings, desires and effort had no bearing on finding it. No matter how much I ...

12 June 2022  Homophobia has got me down. Homophobia is a big complicated and often subtle thing. So it's difficult to fight. I can only fight so much, and I get angry, and I'm angry a lot. It's Pride month and today is the Pulse Nightclub shooting anniversary so I'm gonna share a few things about homophobia. I really don't think straight people understand it.  There's outward bigotry, which is easy to identify. I've had slurs and garbage thrown at me from passing cars many times. I had a shaved ice in my hand once and 15 seconds after the car passed I wish I had thrown it at the guy. In the moment when slurs are being yelled at me I get so scared. And then I get all disappointed in myself because I didn't fight back. I have a fear of being a victim of a hate crime often. It's hard to say how much of that fear is justified, like I'm in some danger, and I'm sure I'll survive, but my anxiety about that can consume me. Being in the closet is...

 11 June 2022 So if I'm gonna date, I'm going to need some fun date ideas. I made a little list. Please feel free to add your own fun date ideas! -Pull off a bigfoot hoax -Feed ducks -Paint each other's bodies -Steal Trump flags from rural towns then burn them -Falling asleep competition -get on the roof of really tall buildings and then throw paper airplanes -Gamble the kid's college fund away -Make a scrapbook with photos from antique stores -Cuddle babies in the NICU -Smell EVERY candle at bath & body works -Go to a sound bath and hold hands during it -Go to town hall IN DRAG and make the Republicans feel unwelcome -Go to the Asian Market and pretend it's the aquarium -Sing songs/go caroling at the nursing home -Taxidermy class -Listening to moody music while taking a walk by a wash after a storm -Stare into each other's eyes in complete silence for 30 minutes -Community theatre -Deliver burritos to construction workers -Volunteer at the foster kids home ...

19 May 2022  So..... I have a crush on a boy. I don't get crushes often, so I'm gonna milk this one for all it's got lol. Crushes are kinda crazy, like, you think and do things that are not normal. He's the most adorable boy ever. He likes Disneyland and baking and he sings in a choir. He's a little quiet and reserved, he is educated and has like, an adult job. He's beautiful, he has these wide blue eyes and this huge smile. He's a very tender man, he's generous and charming and anyway, I'm just very attracted to him. This attraction is kinda fun and kinda scary. Like, I've called him in the phone twice this week, and both times we talked for an hour and a half! Who does that?! That's a lot of time on the phone, and I look forward to calling him again??? He sent a text the other morning and I normally hate "good morning" texts but I didn't hate it? And it made me giggle. Lol I overthink the text messages I send him. We spent an ...

 These little tootsies took me all the way to Utah. I couldn't hardly sleep I was so excited. I give you all permission to live vicariously through me. 😘 I hiked 28 miles yesterday, which is the longest I've ever hiked in a day, and got to the northern terminus in the dark. My parents were there camping 🙂 I think I had to prove something to myself. I can do hard things, I can stick with a goal, I can focus on one thing for 7 weeks even though it's tedious, I can push my body, I can be alone with my thoughts. I can hike 800 miles on the Arizona Trail 💪

 Yesterday I made a bad decision and didn't carry enough water. A spring I was counting on was dry, the sun was going down, and I was thirsty. The next source of water 4 miles away and unreliable. I was honestly terrified, and nothing else in the world seemed to matter, I was pushing myself up that mountain, dearly hoping for water. It's a very strange feeling to be faced with dehydration like that, it's very dangerous. Being alone and exhausted made me even more afraid. But thank heavens a few hikers passed by and gave me water! They definitely thought I was an idiot, but they were angels to me. It's so weird how I can face the worst terror of my life, and then an hour later be given water. Like, I didn't deserve to have my fears assuaged, and I probably could have endured a night of being terrified. But life is graceful I guess.  I've hiked 192 miles so far, and I'm getting thirsty ;) my calves are bursting out of my pants and I look good without a shirt o...

 21 April 2022 I've never been interested in dating or marriage. I guess I have taken a few women on dates, but mostly because it's a cultural norm. And there's been some absolutely incredible men that have liked me, I feel pretty bad because they would've been great boyfriends, but I simply don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend lol.  The past 2 days I've started entertaining thoughts of dating. It's probably just because I'm pretty lonely out here in the desert haha. But since my worldview is built on single-hood I have to double-down on pushing thoughts of dating away. It's kinda scary that I realize I'm putting up walls to keep me single. I'm also very sure there's some internalized homophobia going on here, like, I don't think I should have a boyfriend because homosexuality is wrong.  I really love being single though. Like, I live an incredible life and I'm ridiculously happy. I get crushes from time to time and I mostly just ...

 13 March 2022 I'm about to do something crazy and I'm so nervous. Thursday morning I will get dropped off at the border and hike 788 miles to Utah. It's called the Arizona Trail. I'll hit a few mountain ranges, Santa Ritas, Santa Catalinas, Gila River, Superstitions, Mazatzals, San Franciscos and the Grand Canyon. I'm budgeting 48 days to do it.  On second thought, it's not crazy. My parents and a few friends are gonna meet me when I cross highways to give me some more food and the maps for the next 100ish miles. I'll have a total of 8 re-supply stops. I'm so thankful for them. In fact so many people have reached out to me to offer help and kind words. I'm surrounded by angels and I'm so in your debt 🙏🙏🙏 This has been a goal of mine for a few years. When I first heard about this trail I thought I couldn't do it. More brave & athletic people do it but not me because I'm a lazy and scared person. So, here goes nothing. A few people ...

22 February 2022  One of the reasons religion exists is to help people cope with death. When I started working at the funeral home, I was confronted with the physical presence of dead people 40 hours a week. I remember looking into the face of a woman who died by suicide and being horrified beyond what I was prepared for. And while I understood that death was real, I had to grapple with death on a much more physical, emotional and soul-consuming level, instead of just intellectually. Really my favorite part of the funeral home was helping people say goodbye. Like yeah being surrounded by dead bodies all the time is pretty edgy, but that's only cool for a few days. Hugging crying strangers, praying with people, handing the cremated remains to a widow, those were the moments that sustained me. It was beautiful and hard at the same time. I cried every night for my first week working there, giving care and love to all these people who just lost their Mom was emotionally draining. I was...

 9 February 2022  Today was an amazing day, went rock climbing (in a gym) with a beautiful friend, then ate some tomatoes. I saw a movie at the Loft, Breathless by Jean-Luc Godard. Lastly I did yoga. I do yoga solely for the workout & stretch, not for spiritual or intellectual reasons.  I have so much love in my heart today, and I allowed my mind to wander while sitting in the car, maybe my love can reach a new place. I was listening to this playlist I made for my own funeral, and I just started sobbing. I'm well aquianted with death, I've come to the conclusion that it's really sad. It's something everyone has to face, alone. Crossing over to the other side is something that you have to do completely alone. You have to say goodbye.  I'm going to watch my parents die, their health will fail more and more, I will be stressed out about it, or in denial. They will be stressed too, going into a place no one has ever seen. They don't have their parents to coach t...

 9 February 2022  There's this boy I know, he lives in his Suburu and travels around the southwest United States riding a ton of mountain bike trails. I want to be him. There's this girl I know, who spends so much time on the woods appreciating the beauty of all the plants and animals. She also is really fantastic at ice skating and I want to be her. There's this boy I know, he rock climbs and does yoga and fights for legislation to protect the environment. I want to be him. There's this girl I know, who sings and dances and does embroidery and has the best sense of humor. She makes the best food and cakes. I want to be her. There's this boy I know, who defends immigrants from getting deported, he has a very cynical sense of humor and he's incredibly intelligent. He also like frisbee. I want to be him. There's this girl I know, she takes care of her baby and writes beautiful articles about the ups and downs of life. She's so loving and welcoming and care...

 23 January 2022  I'm usually ridiculously optimistic, and I don't think too hard. But today was full of cosmic irony. Feeling kinda angry. Last night me and a friend made a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It was the first time I met him and I felt like I had to have some kind of quirky activity to do together. After work today I walked around downtown, handing them out to homeless people. I kept them all in my reusable Whole Foods bag. There was something so ironic about that. Closest to my home is Armory Park. The first guy had his head in his hands, and he was crying or upset. I said "hey want a peanut butter and jelly" And he said yeah and took it. It was kinda awkward, because I didn't have the emotional capacity to try to cheer him up, I probably sounded unfriendly, but hopefully he liked the sandwich. Next guy was digging through the trash at the bus-stop, I accidentally startled him. I wonder if he often gets in trouble for digging through garba...

 17 January 2022 Quick thought about the limitations of empathy. I thought I was done crying because of the LDS church treatment of gay people. But then I watched David Archuleta's video and cried twice because I felt all those feelings again. I felt empathy, and I don't consider myself an empathetic person at all. I only felt it though because I had gone through that very specific scenario.  A few days ago there was a hostage situation in Texas at Congregation Beth Israel. Because antisemitism is alive and well despite how stupid and evil it is. And what those people went through I can't feel empathy for. I've never been in a hostage situation, and I've had some discrimination because of my religion but nothing like Jewish people. I can intellectually grasp some of it, I can know it's unfair, but I cannot feel what they feel.  That's why it's important to stand up for justice for people you cannot relate to. You're not emotionally invested, and that...

30 December 2021   Bragging time, and I wanna talk about metaphor and morality. I was walking to meet my friend at the 4th avenue street fair the other day. I was fairly close to finding her when I found this elderly gentleman. He was trying, and failing, to balance. His wife was trying to keep him upright. I was walking by as it was happening so I wrapped my arms around his waist until he steadied. I guess his knees just stop working every once in a while, and he should use a walker but doesn't want to haha. He and his wife were both understandably frustrated, but grateful for me. He kept a lot of his weight on me and we slowly walked to Ermano's bar, where he sat down. (I felt so strong and I thought to myself "this is the reason I go to the gym" lol) Then they wanted to call an Uber because there was no way he was walking all the way to the parking garage but that would've been ridiculous. So I walked with his wife and I drove their car up to Ermano's. She ...

 28 December 2021 Anna Nicole Smith. She was very sweet and optimistic, and of course beautiful. Her life was incredibly tragic, the fact that she was so pure just makes the tragedy so much worse. I watched a few interviews on youtube. Her public image was humiliating, and hard to believe it was okay to treat a sweet woman like that on tv. Like, every interview was about her body, and the men interviewing her would interrupt with some sexual innuendo.  I remember her being a "dumb blonde", and as an edgy teenager I definitely laughed when she died. I'm sorry about that. Nowadays I really love her, but much of what I know about her has been filtered through the male-gaze of the 2000s. Like, back when she was alive I definitely did not think women in Playboy magazine were honorable. I wish I could say I've risen above viewing her with the male-gaze. But that's very naive of me, I still like looking at sexy women and men (heck, we all do). I maintain that she had a h...