I'm a wannabe theologian

 10 November 2021

In my daydreams, I think about going back to school to study religion. I really love learning about religion. I find it fascinating, beautiful, motivating and connects me to my brothers and sisters on this earth. I've read the entire KJV Bible twice, I've read the Koran and the Apocrypha, I've fasted for Ramadan, I worked in a funeral home where I was participating in religious rituals many times a week, I go to Mass often, I've performed with a worship band, one year I kept a calendar of all the Jewish holidays and learned about each one on that day, I always stop to talk to the Jehovah's Witnesses and I volunteer with a few different Christian churches. Like, I just really love western religions. 

But then I saw this tweet that said "closeted gay kids in the church have to become theologians by the age of 15 because they're desperately trying to hold on." ("the church" means Mormonism in this context). So, here was this stranger, in a short tweet that he probably didn't think too hard about, and he doesn't know me, he correlated my love for religion as evidence of going through religious trauma. My dedication to religious education, how much energy I've poured into it over the years, and a big source of my happiness is just a trauma response. I was shook. It's just a tweet, I scroll past so many tweets all the time. This one haunts me though.

I don't love the phrase "trauma response." I know many people do, it probably is more understood. I feel like it overstates harm, and like, how do we even measure harm so idk. I also don't like thinking a huge personality trait of mine is in response to a negative experience. I don't want my life to be in retaliation to a harm done to me. That seems like giving up my self-control to a system that harms me. It also put me in a victim mindset. Playing the victim is not a good look. I don't think it's healthy to whole-heartedly accept the victim role. Yet I know objectively I am a victim. It's difficult to balance. And I know this all sounds like abuse-talk, but I'm deeply happy and love the Mormon faith. I also shouldn't lose sight that it's just a tweet, written by a guy with biases and trauma responses of his own. 

And then a great source of my joy, studying religion, I want to believe that's some intrinsic part of me. I love religion because I love religion, not I love religion because I'm stuck in an abusive cycle with it. It's weird to think I experience genuine happiness from an abusive cycle. So I really don't think it's an abusive cycle. You'd think that once I rise above that trauma I'd stop needing to be a theologian. And that being a theologian will never bring me true happiness. I feel like I've ascended above my 'trauma.'

 Like, abuse to me is mano a mano. An organization might have bad practices, but it's a whole organization, there's no malicious intent, the concept of 'practices in an organization' isn't human. The church doesn't know I exist really, I'm just some guy. It doesn't feel abusive to me. I'm glad I was raised in the faith because it's been such a blessing to me, I've gained such a good life because of it. I know everyone is a lot stronger than they think, and hurt in this life is inevitable. I don't want to insinuate the harm done to me was morally wrong. (I don't believe in morality) Healing only happens when people are patient and charitable, and by golly I am patient. 

Outward appearances are important though. How easily I fit into the "wannabe theologian as a trauma response" understanding of who I am. Musing about this and getting distressed over a silly little tweet is further proof that there's a simple explanation right in front of me I'm not willing to accept. 

I'll probably not go back to school, it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards. 

Love you all.