Looketh on the Heart

 30 November 2021

"Stopped into a church, I passed along the way. Well I got down on my knees and I..." 


I've had a few coworkers ask me about my 'beliefs' lately. I always think that's funny. First off, why do you care what my beliefs are? I don't even care what my beliefs are. And what does 'beliefs' even mean? Like would it be more accurate to ask "is your ability to perceive the world congruent with reality or do you live in accordance to a fantasy you built in your head?" Or when talking about God, "is the way you conceptualize an abstract concept like 'God' the same way I conceptualize the same abstract concept?"


When my friends ask me the feelings of my heart I usually deflect and blame the limitations of language, or limitations of an ego-centric mind and the limitations of living in an animated meat sack.


I've been feeling lately that motivations and beliefs don't really matter. What you do is way more real than what you think. I really don't think too hard about my beliefs, or motivations. I'm quite happy being an inconsequential guy in Tucson with his little hobbies and job and that's all. It's not that deep. I don't want to pretend I'm more important than I really am. I'm not like Mother Teresa. Hopefully this doesn't come across as edgy or depressing or nihilistic or whatever. I am deeply happy.


Then people ask me why I go to church. And I always feel like it's so obvious. There's great benefits that are easy to observe. Making friends, potlucks, a sense of belonging to a culture, an easy moral compass, volunteer opportunities, a way to pass the time on Sunday, gossip, my family is there, I think it's a nice place. None of those reasons are dependent on a belief in God. Like, whether or not God exists, it doesn't have much bearing on the day-to-day activities at church. My belief in God, or lack thereof, doesn't affect how I participate in my faith community. I go because it's nice, and I call myself Mormon because it's the heritage I come from.


Though I guess it's not so obvious. Lots of people easily observe the abuse I receive there, and that would be a reason to stop going. When people ask me about God it must be at least a little important to them. Maybe my faith matters to them for some reason I just refuse to understand. 


I've had conversations with my brother and my mother lately where they said "if I didn't believe it I wouldn't go." And that surprises me. It seems like an all-or-nothing mentality. And people just don't exist like that, right? Nobody has pure motivations and nobody is true to their own conscience. Sometimes the reason you go to church is because you cave to social pressures, not because your beliefs took you there. I like diversity of faith. I don't need to be surrounded by pure believers. That'd be kinda boring. And there's like 150 people in every LDS congregation. There's no way they all agree. Like, are we pretending that all those people believe in the same prescribed doctrine 100%? Like that just seems ridiculous to me. There's people at church that believe 50% or 0% or 98% or whatever. But they're there, and they're saying the same prayers with different levels of belief. The fact that you're there is more important and concrete than why you're there. 


Tangent: if you're truly going because it's what you believe then that's exercising your ability to choose and not letting other people choose for you. Which is pretty cool, I admire people who honor their conscience. (Caving to social pressures isn't necessarily a bad thing btw, I like having friends.)


1st Samuel 16:7 KJV "for the Lord seeth not as man seeth, for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart"

Like, nobody can know what my heart believes. You can only see my outward appearance. You can see my actions, you can read my Facebook, and I feel really authentic, but you'll never see my heart. I like to think it's a good heart, but it is always changing. I wonder what the Lord thinks of it.


Incidentally, I ditched church this last Sunday, I was playing Bomberman with a friend. Love you all.

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