Rules for Dating Me

 21 April 2022

I've never been interested in dating or marriage. I guess I have taken a few women on dates, but mostly because it's a cultural norm. And there's been some absolutely incredible men that have liked me, I feel pretty bad because they would've been great boyfriends, but I simply don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend lol. 


The past 2 days I've started entertaining thoughts of dating. It's probably just because I'm pretty lonely out here in the desert haha. But since my worldview is built on single-hood I have to double-down on pushing thoughts of dating away. It's kinda scary that I realize I'm putting up walls to keep me single. I'm also very sure there's some internalized homophobia going on here, like, I don't think I should have a boyfriend because homosexuality is wrong. 


I really love being single though. Like, I live an incredible life and I'm ridiculously happy. I get crushes from time to time and I mostly just think they're fun and get over them in a week or so lol. Anyway, here's my impossible rules for dating. Having these standards keeps me so happy to be single lol


1 No dogs. No pets really. But especially no dogs. Dogs are ew. 


2 we both have to motivate each other. Like, be good influences and push each other to reach goals. 


3 you have to be healthy but also understanding if I wanna lay on a couch eating potato chips for weeks on end. 


4 we all know I'm opinionated, so you better have the correct opinions too.


5 someday when we're old we will wet the bed and have to start wearing diapers. Like, that's just not an experience I'm looking forward to, I'd rather go through that alone. So we'll have to make our peace with that somehow. I like to think I wouldn't mind changing your diaper. Like, I've changed old guys' diapers before and it's not weird or gross to me at all. But who knows if I'll change my mind in the next 40 years.


6 will you be okay with watching me die, or having me watch you die. 


7 have good taste in music and art


8 have a nuanced view of the Mormon church. Like I have a complicated relationship with it, but I mostly love it. And it'll be a huge part of my life forever so.


9 the final line of intimacy is you hearing me practice violin. I will tell you all my darkest secrets and have the most shameful sex with you before I let you hear me practice. Do other classical musicians feel this way? Does your significant other hear you practice? Comment below!


10 we should be attracted to each other. I know attraction comes in waves and it's never 100% reciprocated but we gotta have something to work with.


11 if I wanna disappear into the woods for 48 days you gotta let me do that. 


12 in fact, if I wanna terminate the relationship for no reason I gotta be allowed to do that. Breaking up should be easy.


13 no jealousy or possessiveness. 


14 open to the idea of living in a van. Or just straight up living on the streets the way the rent increases are going


15 I promise I will be okay if your family doesn't like me. Hopefully you can say the same. (Not a requirement though)


16 I don't drink or smoke or do psychedelics. I never will. I will definitely make it a problem between us if you drink/smoke.


17 no new-agey spirituality. I'm sure I'm gonna offend people here. But I cannot abide. Like, magical crystals and incense and astrology. It freaks me out and it's pretty stupid.


18 you gotta convince me that being in love is better than being single. I've yet to have any evidence of that.


19 I don't like making the bed. I don't see the point. I don't mind doing other chores though.


20 I'm ridiculously optimistic and I love life. Hopefully that doesn't get exhausting for you


21 golly I have way too much time to think. Lolz I need to get done with this hike. I'm at mile 461 about to go up the Mogollon Rim!


22 I will fall asleep sometimes when you don't want me to. Sorry.


23 have cool interests. Read books and learn stuff.


24 be good at giving back scratches


25 I'll be a good Dad, but I don't really want kids that much. we'll talk about it


26 I really don't care about money. Like, we could both be minimum wage unskilled labor people and I would be so happy with that 


27 I would like to live in Tucson, but if not there, then somewhere cool. Like Chicago or Mexico City or something


28 don't feel overwhelmed by this list, lolz even though I'm making it to push you away. 🙃


29 be a positive person, do good for yourself and others.


30 be sexually compatible, maybe have an open relationship.


Anyway in the next 300 miles I'm sure I'll daydream about other stuff. I don't have a crush on anyone right now, this is all just hypothetical. I think the no dogs rule is the one I care most about. Love you all.

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