Some random thoughts while hiking

 Yesterday I made a bad decision and didn't carry enough water. A spring I was counting on was dry, the sun was going down, and I was thirsty. The next source of water 4 miles away and unreliable. I was honestly terrified, and nothing else in the world seemed to matter, I was pushing myself up that mountain, dearly hoping for water. It's a very strange feeling to be faced with dehydration like that, it's very dangerous. Being alone and exhausted made me even more afraid. But thank heavens a few hikers passed by and gave me water! They definitely thought I was an idiot, but they were angels to me. It's so weird how I can face the worst terror of my life, and then an hour later be given water. Like, I didn't deserve to have my fears assuaged, and I probably could have endured a night of being terrified. But life is graceful I guess. 

I've hiked 192 miles so far, and I'm getting thirsty ;) my calves are bursting out of my pants and I look good without a shirt on. 

In Mormon theology, there's a belief that before we were born we were disembodied spirits waiting for our turn to be born and live and die. (If you've seen the Pixar movie Soul you get the idea) We chose to come, and we were excited, but I don't think we had a great idea of what it was gonna be like. Pre-mortal Paul Bird probably never thought his feet could hurt this bad, and yet have 450 more miles to hike. I'm reminded of that belief a lot now, because committing to hike the Arizona Trail and then actually doing it is two VERY different things. 

Every morning I feel invincible and motivated but by the evening I'm exhausted and on the verge of tears. Yesterday I fell down and just sat there pouting because I took on too big of a project. No way out but through. I'm gonna do it, I am doing it. Mile 353

Walking up this steep trail, and I come upon this beautiful view of the Four Peaks. I was listening to 'No Cars Go' by Arcade Fire and it was the most epic moment of my life. My jaw dropped it was so beautiful to see those mountains up close. Then my leg started itching, I had ants in my pants. Had to do a little dance to get em all out, but not until after my left leg was all bitten up. I guess I should have kept walking. 

Walking for a while, tired and thirsty and then you come upon this group of beautiful people cheering you on. They didn't even know me but they clapped and hollered at me. Turns out there was this guy named 'Big Red' who was giving Gatorade and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to the hikers, in the middle of nowhere. It was magical you guys. 

Walking all day and sat down for a rest, then this woman named Larry @travelsandtrails popped down next to me and offered me some whiskey. I said no, and she still invited me to come visit her in LA when we're both done with the trail. She didn't even know me for more than a few minutes. Wow she has so much love for life.

@saunterbeyond joined me for a few days, he intimidates me because he's a triple crowner (he's hiked all the big trails) but he gave me food and company and I appreciate him so much.

Now I'm sitting on the side of a highway, my dear friend Tom is on his way to pick me up. All the way from Phoenix! My Mom made me promise to not hitch-hike. 

Everytime I post on social media there's so many people cheering me on (and it's WAY more motivating than it should be lol), my Mom is praying for me. My friends Chad Merrell, Nic Quilter, Aisling Eller, Ben Brown are all helping me with food resupply and showers. 

It feels so nice to be given all this patience and love and charity. I know I don't deserve it. I figure people like to give me love so I'll take it. I'll probably never fully appreciate the support y'all have given me. I wish I could. I'd love to stop and appreciate the beauty, but I got to be drifting along.

Mile 425. Arizona is so beautiful I can't handle it. And please believe me when I tell you pictures do not do it justice. I'm so lucky I get to do this. My body is fine, I haven't lost any weight, I'm feeling healthy and strong and my muscles are all doing great. It's really just my feet that hurt. 

It is a mind game though. Like, hiking forces your brain to be active, I gotta be aware of where I'm stepping, I check maps all the time, I have to worry about water sources. But if you think too hard about the 375 miles you still gotta go, it gets so overwhelming and frustrating. If you think too hard about where you're stepping, you miss these incredible views. And I'm purposely daydreaming or listening to music to distract myself from constantly worrying about water. 

And I wanna relax sometimes, but I really can't. You can't lay in your sleeping bag all day, the sun will make you too hot. I can't go slowly and enjoy every view, there's just too many beautiful views. I can't take a bath or shower or eat a salad (oh I want a salad so badly). I can't zone out and scroll Instagram all day, my phone battery only lasts so long, and phone service is spotty. 

I wanna quit and I don't want this to end. Like, it feels so incongruent, but I'm loving this so much and wishing I were somewhere else too. Love you all.

I took this selfie after I had a wonderful night of sleep. But that wonderful night of sleep only came after physical exhaustion. The 36 hours before bedtime yesterday was some crazy wind. There was a weather advisory in Flagstaff, 25 miles hour wind with 45 mile hour gusts. Hiking during that was difficult, sleeping in it was worse. I laid in my sleeping bag, and the wind would push the fabric into my face over and over. It was like, gently being slapped over and over while I was trying to sleep. I didn't get much sleep that night lol.

Mother Earth does not care about my comfort. She could injure me anytime and not notice I'm hurt. This is a revelation I've had before, and here I am in the woods having it again. I'm just walking in circles, chasing after wind. But I'm comfortable enough. Our bodies evolved to thrive on this planet. I'm pretty good at hiking anyway, I've made it 648 miles so far.

 I've had some people tell me that Mother Earth loves us and gives us so many gifts. I think that's wrong. We take what we want from Mother Earth and we tell ourselves it's a gift. In reality we're parasites, trying to assuage our guilt for taking and never giving. Mother Earth doesn't love us, it's kinda silly to give her human emotions when she's mostly just a rock with some water on it. 

Why do I say she's a mother though? Probably to put a metaphor to the relationship I have with my Mother. I feel like I'm a parasite. I mean, I hope she's proud of me for doing this hike, but I'm hiking for my benefit, not for hers. And I take so much from my parents, their generosity, their patience, their food and shelter. My own body was my Mom's when I was in the womb, I just took all the nutrients from her until she had to give birth. I absolutely love life and love this hike, but my parents sacrificed so much to make this life so good for me. And here I am, reaping the benefits. It's so unfair. It's hard to understand the weight of my life on their well-being. I'm not the adult my parents envisioned when I was a baby. I guess that's just part of growing up. 

It's nice to lay under this juniper and watch the clouds roll by. Love you all.

The Grand Canyon is so huge! You can't see the bottom from the top, and you can't see the top from the bottom. While hiking down & up you get some pretty good views, but hiking is hard. And my parents came! They're adorable. 

No matter how much I love it, I cannot fully appreciate it. It's just bigger than what I can comprehend. I can only know it in part, not in full. It reminds me of my favorite Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:12 "For now we see through a glass, darkly." It's literally impossible for my little heart to grasp how beautiful this canyon is. So maybe this hike was wasted on me. Lol oh well, I still really love it.

I'm happy for the people who live and work at the Grand Canyon, what a good life they have, and they get to appreciate it way more than me. Or maybe they appreciate it less than me because they have to clean port-a-potties all day. I bet geologists appreciate it a lot, they can see the history of the world there, I can only see pretty rocks. Maybe we each appreciate it a little bit, and in different ways.

Still got 60 or so miles to go. I slept at a campground in the grand canyon 2 nights ago, and climbed out of it yesterday.