Agency and Destruction

I carved this spoon, and I used it exclusively for the last few years. I ended my last shift in wilderness therapy a few months ago, and while putting my wilderness gear in storage, I accidentally stepped on the spoon and it broke. So I threw it into the desert behind my folks' house. 

I got pretty cynical about the inevitable destruction of everything I love.

I don't create a lot of things. I got all into writing for a little bit a few years ago, but I stopped because I figured my thoughts were unimportant. Like, my thoughts are unimportant even to me. I want my brain to be flooded with whatever life puts in front of me. Right now I'm sitting in a Safeway, looking out the window to the wind and rain, Madonna is singing over the speakers and there's a Bible study group sitting behind me (they're done with talking about the Bible and now they're gossiping it's adorable I love them). This is my whole life, and it has complete control over my brain. This scene wasn't created for me, I didn't make this moment happen. It's happening to me. This chaotic world is shaping my mind.

In my faith tradition there's a lot of talk about "agency" which is the ability to take action. The opposite of agency is believing you are an object that others can use and abuse. I expand the meaning to taking control of your responses to the world. This Viktor Frankl quote reflects my feelings about agency "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

So here's the conundrum of my own agency vs the chaotic world dictating my life. I've been actively choosing a blank brain so I can let life shape me. I want God to throw things at me and I want to accept it all. I think this is still using my agency, even though I'm not technically doing anything. I'm just listening to Madonna and the gossiping Bible study group, not judging if it's right or wrong. I'm not wanting to be anywhere else or even wanting to be here in Safeway, I don't want anything. Getting rid of my desires is part of using my agency, right? (I should be wary of conundrums, maybe I've got something wrong here.)

I sometimes think agency means the ability to create, and destruction is the opposite of agency. I carved that spoon and it fed me for years. I grew very emotionally attached to it. When I broke it I was devastated. My negligence was destructive. I created something, I used it, eventually I destroyed it. 

This low-key reminds me of the Hindu gods Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva. Brahma is the creator, Vishnu is the preserver, and Shiva is the destroyer. One can't exist without the other two. And maybe what it means to be human is to have all three of these gods in your life. You can't only create, you must also preserve and you must also destroy. I know in Western religions destruction is bad, and we should not be destructive. But it's frustrating to feel bad for destruction because it's just part of being human. I don't know everything about Hinduism, but I'm pretty sure Shiva is not feared or hated, Shiva is just as important as Brahma.

This chaotic world is creating me, preserving me, and destroying me. But I'm not an innocent bystander either, I'm part of the chaos in other people's lives.

It's hard to know how much I create and how much I destroy. I hope in the end it all balances out. There's another quote from the Beatles "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" 

Anyway I think I will start writing again. Thanks for reading. Please tell me your thoughts about agency and destruction.