Heartbreak part 1

18 months ago I fell in love, and 1 year ago I had an incredible heartbreak. It was a chance meeting, he was very cute, and a fantastic person. The infatuation became a foundation in my life, much of my life was shaped around it. I spent all my time daydreaming about our future together. I was almost shocked at my willingness to drop everything else in my life to commit to a romance. 

It's pretty wild how much risk I was willing to take. But I'm proud of myself for taking that risk. The love was unstable of course, I have way too much internalized homophobia, I lived in my car (not enough room for 2 people sorry) and two imperfect humans are gonna be a little unstable no matter how you cut it. 

Love was motivating, I had goals and dreams and wanted to be a better person. Love was fun and beautiful. Heartbreak kinda stunted that. For a long time my passive thoughts were wondering what I did wrong, wondering if he thought about me at all, and I became cynical and jaded about love. 

Heartbreak hurt. I was honestly shocked how much it hurt, and it hurt for months. Still hurts a little. I worked at a behavioral health inpatient and a funeral home for a long time so I thought I was pretty good at handling emotional pain, but no. I was not prepared for the pain of heartbreak. A lot of things in my life since the heartbreak have felt hollow, I stopped writing, I stopped enjoying music, I gained weight. I didn't give my friends enough care and attention. Thankfully my friends have been so dear to me, they've patiently listened to me bemoan my heartbreak. It's a pain I don't wish on anyone, and if I broke your heart, I feel terrible and I'm so sorry.

Yesterday as I was sightreading some Bach, I came upon a phrase that really spoke to my soul, and I played it over and over again because it was so beautiful. This morning I listened to Kristin Hayter (formerly Lingua Ignota) and was blown away because her music is so genius, and I enjoyed it much more than I used to. I bawled my eyes out watching the Contrapoints video "The Hunger" (it's about a failed queer relationship in a Christian setting. Highly recommended) My daydreams no longer involve the boy from last summer. I gently called a stranger out on their racist joke, and it felt good to live up to my principles. I'm noticing myself becoming more romantic about life, and I'm more optimistic lately. It's nice.

Did I learn anything from heartbreak? Um. I don't know, I don't think so. Am I a better person because of it? Um... definitely not. Would I let myself fall in love again? Um... I want to say yes but like, realistically no haha. 

Does anyone learn from heartbreak? Or was the last year just a weird limbo. Also do you want to know the story of the romance and heartbreak lol

Love you all.

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