Thanatopsis

 My only goal in life is to die in a way that doesn't cause too much sadness or anger, and go relatively quietly. The general idea is to be 95 years old, living in Tucson, probably in a nursing home where my death is routine for the employees there. I want a traditional funeral, I want to be embalmed and have a viewing, lots of white roses and an oakwood casket (maybe particle board with a vinyl coat that looks like oak). I want an average funeral, people sharing cute stories about me and want to be buried in the Mormon cemetery in Tucson. I have a funeral playlist that I want to share with all my funeral guests. Or if you want it now I'll send you the link.

If I died now, people would be really sad, and feel survivors guilt and question God and whatever else comes with losing a young person. I don't want to do that to anybody. But if I'm 95 years old other people won't be too upset, they'll be a little sad I'm sure, but it'll be easier for them. I feel some amount of obligation to live a long and happy life, just to ease the pain others will feel at my death. 

I wonder how many people would show up to my funeral, it'll be 62 years from now. My social circle in 62 years will probably not be anything like it is now. A lot of my friends and family will be dead. It's possible I haven't even met anyone that'll be at my funeral. The people at my funeral won't even know who I was as a child, or a 33-year old, they'll only know the version of me right before my death.

I know other people's grief is not within my control. And what if nobody wants to come to my funeral, I'll spend all that money on flowers for nothing. It's weird to think about other people's reactions to my death, and their reaction means a lot to me right now. I'm shaping my life around that reaction. These people are all abstract, and 62 years in the future. I want to know what others think about my death, it will give me a script for how to react to other people's deaths. 

I wonder how much of my vision will come true, I mean I'm living in a way to live long and happy, but what if Tucson isn't inhabitable in 62 years? What if I get into an fatal accident on one of my crazy adventures? What if I start hating life and ruining my relationships and stop caring what other people think. There's so many things outside of my control that'll change me and change my life. 

When I worked at the funeral home I thought I became comfortable with the idea of dying. I was surrounded by dead bodies every day and knew I was just like them, I'm just waiting to join them. Nowadays I'm terrified of dying, it's lonely and sad and gross and painful. I don't want to die, I really love life. I feel small parts of my body dying. Gums receding, joints grinding a little harder than they used to, wrinkles under my eyes and on my forehead. 

There's that line from a Dylan Thomas poem "Do not go gentle into the night, rage, rage against the dying of the light" There's a part of me that wants to go gently, but the reality of death is making me rage. I don't think people should see me rage, that's not a good look.

I wonder if the people who die the quietest feel the most internal rage, or have they made peace with their own death?

My birthday is in a few days, I'll be 33. One of my coworkers said that's the age Jesus died. Got me thinking about life and eternity and whatever. Please, comment about what a good death looks like. Love you all.

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