LOVE

I saw those big blue eyes in the crowd and I smiled at him. I smile a lot, especially when I see a cute boy. My friend Ryan just finished his last performance in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and a few people were standing outside the Tabernacle congratulating him. This beautiful man, Adam, was also there by himself so I struck up a conversation with him. We quickly came out as gay to each other and talked about our relationship to the church. I just finished the Arizona Trail, and was on my way to Portland for a summer job. I had these fantastic legs and only this afternoon. If he wanted to flirt he had a narrow window of opportunity. I was just gonna chat with him until it was time for him to go to church, but since I'm an irresistible temptress, he offered to buy me Chipotle.

Our knees touched underneath the table and the rush went down my spine. I got up to get my burrito and when I sat back down I purposely bumped into his knee again. We talked for hours in that Chipotle. There's so many things gay mormons can talk about and bond over.

Even after all that time we still weren't ready to say goodbye, we walked to a park and sat on a bench, we didn't have much to say anymore. I conspicuously left my hand out on my leg where he could notice it and grab it. Thankfully he took the hint and put his hand on my leg. We started kissing. It was a magical kiss, passionate and adorable. 

There's only so many sexy things you can do in daylight on the Sabbath, so after another hour and lots of making out we parted ways. I went to a small party with my outdoorsy friends and I was on cloud 9! I was skipping all throughout that party giving all my beautiful friends so much love and I couldn't shut up about how cute Adam was. But I figured that was it, a beautiful day with a beautiful boy and I'd never really spend much time with him again. I was moving to Portland after all.

But the day after I got to Portland Adam called me. I didn't know anyone in Portland, and it would be nice to talk to someone so I answered. We chatted for about half an hour. The next night he called again and chatted for about 45 minutes. I couldn't believe myself. Spending this much time on the phone with a guy. 

After 2 weeks the phone calls became video calls. Each day at work I'd look forward to calling him that night. He'd be baking and we'd talk about baking. How in the world did I have the patience for that! The domestic life seemed so boring, yet here I was getting all excited and proud of him because of the desserts he would make. Even better than baking, the video chatting got a little spicy. Maybe my shirt would come off accidentally halfway through the video-chat. Maybe I got distracted mid-sentence by how sexy he was. Maybe he'd giggle at my flirts or blow me little kisses. And even though I'd have no more things to say, I just wanted to sit silently looking at him. 

We started reading the Book of Mormon over video chat. Which I loved, but that only lasted a few days. He had a stronger testimony of the church than I did.

I deleted Grindr, a super cute guy from Tucson had a layover in Portland and I didn't go see him, I daydreamed about the decorations Adam and I would have in a home together. I started becoming more ambitious with my goals so I could give Adam a good life. One night Adam said "I love you" and I failed to say it back lol oops. I felt like it was too soon. But I did love him. Settling down seemed so beautiful, and I felt so comfortable and intimate with Adam. I eventually started to say I love you over the phone. He said he'd come visit me in Portland. The video calls were now 3 hours long, including lots of overtly sexual moves. We love that for us. Highly recommend sexting with a guy you really like.

I was only in Portland for 10 weeks when I got a call from an old coworker who offered me a bonus to go guide in Southern Utah. It was a better financial move, and I like working in wilderness therapy more than I liked spraying pest control. I tried telling myself and others this was the reason why I took that guiding job. But we all know I took it so I could be closer to Adam. I'd have time off to spend in Salt Lake City and we could kiss and hold hands and cuddle. I wanted us to be official boyfriends, and he said he wanted that too.

I feel kinda silly for rushing into that, risking it all for love, despite the obstacles I could easily foresee. It was only 2 months, but it felt like forever. Love just makes you feel eager and willing to take a chance. I have fondness for this time in my life. I'm proud of myself for making that frivolous move to Southern Utah. I was so cute and in love.

It's this yearning, this desire that makes you feel so alive. This wonderful man believes in your soul and he wants you to be happy and flourish. He respects you and respects himself. You do idiotic things in the heat of passion and you find each other beautiful in those moments. I listened to his frustrations for hours on end, but the minute we hung up I already missed him. He gives you time and promises and gifts. And the sexual tension was off the charts. So I jumped in my little car and drove back to Utah. 

Love you all