Worst week of my life

  *Sad & self-indulgent post*

I think it was my 4th week on trail. The first day I refused to leave camp until someone claimed a pair of poopy underwear in the middle of camp. Probably my first mistake. They hated that, they wanted to ignore it behind but I practice Leave No Trace, so I fought until I gave in and carried it myself. (I wrapped it in a few grocery bags lol) The boys thought I was an idiot for carrying that poopy underwear. 

Two of the boys hated gay people, one of them yelled slurs at me the whole week, the other one talked loudly about how gay people are gross and can't be trusted. When one boy is sure of his homophobia, the other boys will just go along with it. And they'll encourage each other to be more bigoted and it'll just escalate. Maybe it was entertaining to them to see me hurt. Maybe they didn't want to defend me because I was an idiot. Maybe my existence was triggering to them. 

The adults chose to be there, this was our job, but the pay was definitely not worth it. Literally no other employer on the planet would require this much patience. The kids did not choose to be there, and they definitely let us know how unfair it was.

Two of the boys staged a fight so I would be distracted while a third boy stole my food, and he threw my flour into the creek. He didn't even want my food, he just wanted me to not have it. One of my coworkers gave me some lentils to cook but one of the boys "accidentally" knocked my cup over so I didn't even get to eat that. The next three nights I was too stressed to even eat. And maybe the fight wasn't staged, some of the boys said it was, some of the boys said it was sincere. 

Of course I asked for my food back, he denied stealing it. Even though I saw him do it. So what do you do? I can't punish him, punishment doesn't do anything. I can't just call for more food, we're in the middle of a backpacking trip. So all I had to eat for 4 days was what was in my pocket, which was some almonds, sunflower seeds and raisins. I rationed that so hard. In the end I was quite proud of myself for surviving and hiking on so little food.

One of the boys would scream "you're acting like a g*dd**n n*****" at the other boys because he thought it was funny, then the other boys would get mad, and then other boys would say it was funny, and my coworkers and I would intervene and lecture them about racism and bullying, but then they'd yell "shut up n*****" at us and laugh about it. 

During the hikes, fast kids threw little rocks at the slower kids when we were taking breaks. The adults would try to redirect and say "hey let's throw rocks at this tree," but lots of rocks would still "accidentally" hit the slow kid. Then he would refuse to hike because he was exhausted and was being bullied. Then like 5 boys all ran in different directions. After a few hours we found them all and by the grace of God got them to hike again. 

I had never said a bad word in my life prior to this week. Like, literally never, I once almost cussed in highschool, but I was too religious (and smug probably) to cuss. Well, this week broke me of that. At the age of 28 I said my first bad word. Over the radio to my supervisor, I called the boys "shitheads" lol bless. Lolz my poor supervisor Chloe, I love and adore her, she calmed me down and encouraged me to go back in the band. I'm sure she was stressed too though.

Every night when I went to bed the boys threatened to drag me out of my sleeping bad and throw my sleeping bag in the creek. Thankfully they never made good on that threat. And one of my coworkers always slept near me as a buffer.

To be hated and threatened and abused and starved for a week was awful. I think that week was the only time in my life I was genuinely scared. And there was no break, it was just constant. Thankfully I was singled out, and even though the kids were rude to my coworkers, they at least didn't hate them.

These boys pushed me to my absolute limit, and I was confused, hurt and angry. I lovingly referred to this program as "Camp Lord of the Flies" from that week forward. 

It was 5 days of hiking, and one mile from our final destination I had some kind of awakening. I knew the hike was nearly over and I was feeling so battered, I asked myself "could I come back to this band next week and walk with these boys again?" And to my surprise, I knew the answer was yes. Despite all the abuse I had just taken, I knew I was prepared to endure it another week and still had lots of patience to give. 

We walked into the final destination for the week and the boys were setting up their sleeping areas, one of my supervisors, Kelsee, was there waiting for us and told me to come with her. I was in a state of delirium so I went with her and then she told me she's putting me in a different band. I felt defeated, like I had given up on those kids, and leaving without saying goodbye felt so wrong. I worked in wilderness therapy for 40 months, and that was the only time I was pulled out of a group.

I wonder what I did to invite all that hatred. I must've encouraged their abuse somehow. I wonder how much destruction these kids would cause if left to their own devices. The next band welcomed me and I ate the best cup of rice in my entire life.