Gay Mormon envy

I'm envious of Charlie Bird. He's a beautiful Mormon man with a beautiful Mormon husband and his social media presence makes his life seem so free and easy and fun. He was ESPN's favorite mascot in college sport history, like, that's pretty cool. He serves in the church and his congregation loves him. Truthfully I know it's not so easy, being a gay Mormon is so hard. He's also said on social media that his privacy has been/is being violated. Despite intellectually understanding that his life is not perfect, I still feel the intense emotion of envy. And the sin of envy is on me.

I wanted to stay in the church and be openly gay. Maybe I didn't want it hard enough, or maybe I was too weak to endure that path. But that plan didn't work out. I prayed so hard to be cured of my homosexual temptations. I met with a therapist to develop chastity-friendly coping mechanisms. But it was all vanity. And now, someone else has what I was denied. 

In a lot of ways Charlie's life is what I want for LGBT mormons. I want us to participate and be welcomed in the church. But now that that acceptance is finally here... I mean I'm happy, but I'm also hurt.

Already I can feel myself claiming victimhood. I'm so quick to cry "I'm a victim" and I realize it's not a good look. But when I see Charlie successfully participating in church, I have these ugly envious feelings, I feel gaslit about how awful the church is to gay people, and I think about the 2015 exclusion policy that wrecked my life for a while, and I think about the challenges & blessings of being an active Mormon.

Which is it? Am I a victim of an unfair church, or did I not work hard enough to get the blessing of being an active Mormon?

The darkest parts of me is a little jealous of the hate and ostracizisation Charlie is getting. I know that sounds crazy on it's face, but Lord knows I've done things to invite hate from others. I've purposely set my self up for failure a few times. I've been nasty and rude knowing people would be nasty and rude back to me. I've pushed people away. (I know a ton of teenagers who often invite hate from others, so I don't think I'm totally alone in this feeling) I'm a glutton for punishment, or I think I deserve the hate Charlie is getting. 

I'm going to assume good intentions on Charlie, I actually met him once and he's a lovely guy. I doubt he's shouting his envious lifestyle to an Instagram of 170k followers to try to make people hate him. This is my problem, it's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me. And like, I'm the one following him, I could stop looking at his beautiful life. When I share beautiful things, I don't think about who might be envious, I should afford Charlie that same privilege.

My hope, and my belief, is the church will eventually change to include LGBT people in full fellowship. There will be gay and trans-people sealed in the temple. It will be a beautiful church when that happens, I hope I can accept it without feeling like an incredible victim. 

Love you all.

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